I Am His

This morning I woke up feeling totally overwhelmed that I couldn't help but cry. I felt so alone and was wishing I could just hug someone, but God really came through and reminded me that He is here. (I could have just hugged my host mom, but I'm thinking that having some blonde-haired gringa that she just met with tears running down her face who couldn't explain in English let alone Spanish why she was crying would have been a little strange:)
But I started to journal, and wanted to share that with you. It's pretty humbling writing all of this for the world to see... I feel so weak, and my journal is normally for my and God's eyes only. Anyways, I figured that if I was going to actually share what God is doing in my life, I have to be honest and share the hard times too! And even if no one reads this, it was an exercise that drew me closer to Him.

Surrendering myself to God is so much harder than just saying the words. And it really is a daily thing. It is surrendering what I feel, what I want, what I need- being completely open for Him to fill me. I know who I want to be in this life- A follower of God, yes, but a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a mother (not now, obviously)- I want to be needed, to be wanted. I want to be a servant to others, to give more than I take, to do more than is done for me, to help more than be helped. To love others with a deeper love than just mine- God's love.

But the only way I know how to do this is... well, I don't. I don't know how to live like that. 

I miss my life back home- I have a picture of what I want it to look like. Don't we all? We think we know what is best for us- easiest, really. We want life to be easy, we want to be happy. But that is not necessarily what God has called us to. However, when we surrender ourselves to our God and King, our ideals and what we want change to be His ideals and what He wants- and we get our joy from following and doing those things. I just don't know what that looks like right now.

One of my friends asked me if I was freaking out at all. I told them no, but really, I have lots of "freak out" moments. Without all of the things that I do and have back in my life at home, I am forced out of any normalcy or comfort that I am so use to having (especially people!). And my identity is no longer in the things which I am known for, but in being a gringa. But I know where my identity really comes from, no matter where I am. From being God's daughter- a loved and cherished daughter who is never alone.

It's only day seven of my journey, and already I am missing home. Actually, what I am missing is who I am back in Pennsylvania. I am comfortable. And I am certainly not comfortable here. Physically, yes, I have a bed, clothes, food... but emotionally and mentally- I am so out of my element.

But I think- actually I know- that is where God wants me to be. Because I can not longer depend on myself, or who I am, but only Him and who He is.

I just pray that I have an open heart for who He wants me to continue to become. Because honestly, I'm scared of who that is. What if it is someone totally different than who I want to be, or someone I don't even understand or like? I realize, though, that it is a process that goes right along with the daily surrenderance (if that's not a word, I'm making it one!). 

I don't know what the future holds- I can't! That's for God to know. So I need to follow Him, day by day, moment by moment, and I know He will lead me in the right direction. Not just physically, but to who He wants me to be. Because really, He just wants me to be His.

So that was my thought process this morning. I realized I can no longer be focused on "who I am" because that is constantly changing as life goes on. But one thing stays the same- I am His, and that is all that matters<3

Here We Go!

Hey there! I'm not sure who you are... I don't quite understand how this "Blogging" thing works. But I hope you're having a great day and experiencing the love of our amazing God in every moment of it! He really is good.

I have been blessed in COUNTLESS ways. I cherish this life that the Lord has given me, and am amazed that He calls me to be His own and to work for His Kingdom. Just like He calls you! His love is amazing, and I am reminded of that throughout each day. 

Right now, my life is moving in "monthly chunks," as I like to call it. I spent 9 months doing a discipleship program in northern Pennsylvania after I graduated high school, spent 3 months after that working on a dude ranch in Wyoming, spent a month at home with my family and friends, and am now on the first week of a three month trip in Costa Rica. 

I'm just bebopping all over the place! 

In each place that God has led me, though, I have experienced Him in a new way and learned more about His heart and who He is. My desire, throughout all of my life, is to become closer to Him. For my heart to become like His. To fully surrender to His will.

Although this is my desire, I am finding how hard it is to be His disciple in a world where selfish and human desires get in the way. It is so much easier to put God to the side, to say "Yeah, I believe in Him," and then continue living life the way you want to than to surrender your entire life to Him. I'm still trying to figure out what complete surrenderuance (is that a word?) looks like, but I figure that will take a lifetime:). I've learned that it is a daily, moment-by-moment decision that we have to make, but even when I choose my own way, He forgives me and loves me the same. What an amazing God! 

So... I am here in Orosi, Costa Rica. Doing what, you ask? Following Him (or trying to...:). This past winter, I came to Costa Rica on a two week cross-cultural trip with my True North group- a trip that I'm pretty sure has changed my life. I have always loved learning and speaking Spanish, and that love was intensified as we came here and I got to use what little Spanish I knew. I learned to love the Ticos, the family oriented culture, the food... everything! As we left one of the places we stayed, worked, and learned at, I knew God was doing something in my heart. I had never felt like I felt when we left that place and the people I grew to love in just a few days. God never said to me, in a loud, booming voice, "Brie, go back there!" but I could feel in my heart it was the next step. 

As we returned home and I began to look into going back, so many things fell perfectly into place. The job I got over the summer provided exactly the amount of money I would need, I could go back to the place where I was touched so deeply and help work there, my parents saw the passion God had put in me and were supportive... and so many other little things that only God could orchestrate. So, here I am!

Right now, I am staying in a hostel called Montana Linda and studying Spanish. I'm not sure how long I'll be here for... It's a little lonely, and I'm excited to get back to Jicotea where I can connect with the people I left and serve them and our God. But I am thankful for this time that God has given me. I have never had to depend on Him as much as I have had to these past few days, and will continue to. I am experiencing another side of Him... His friendship. I never realized how much I depend on other people for relationship, conversation, and to be built up. I know that God created us to live in community, and am so thankful for that, but it is neat (and hard, I have to admit) to have Him as my source of companionship. I've been going on a lot of walks, and always picture Him walking right next to me, His arm around me, being my friend, loving me, and being there with me. He is so good. 

It has been SO cool to see so many different people encouraging me and praying for me... I am so very thankful. And I have my family and a few close friends who have really encouraged me and been there to support me, and for that, I am grateful. 

Anyways, there is my first post! I'm going to make myself write in this blog thing at least every other week... Just writing this has helped me figure things out! But thanks for reading this. I pray that God can use what I am experiencing to encourage others, just as I am encouraged by so many other people and their stories. 

Have a blessed day, filled with His love!