Rice in College

I literally cannot believe that I'm here. In my dorm room. In college. In the United States.

WHAT IS THIS?

It's been about three weeks that I've been here at LBC, and for a while I was amazed that I could feel just as alone as I did in Orosi while being surrounded by literally hundreds of people that could be my friends. How does that make sense?

I realized I was sick. Very sick. Homesick for a home different from the one I grew up in. Culturesick. Foodsick. Languagesick. Peoplesick. I've even found myself cockroachsick.

Thankfully our God is a healing God. And an understanding God. Because He has blessed me with a time of worshipping Him and digging more deeply into Him. He is slowly but surely filling the holes from the sickness in my heart, healing me with the best medicine possible- Himself.

I still feel all of those sicknesses. But I am beginning to realize that it is ok to feel those. That this time away from what I grew to love so deeply will only push me to love it more. I don't like to think about having to wait a year before I can return, and I try not to even consider the thought that I may not ever. My stomach drops and my heart hurts to even write those words. But I am learning that where I need to be is not necessarily a physical place, but with God. Because only when my heart is am fully with Him can I be a part of growing His kingdom. And God is everywhere. God is here.

So I was going to make this funny, writing about little ol' Brie, trying to hold onto what she misses by making rice in a bag and eating beans from a can in her little college kitchen. But that's not where I'm at right now. I'm trying to adjust to a new way of life, to hold onto the memories that make me cry, to push deeper into God, and to learn what it means to be His disciple here in Bible college. I'm trying to learn His truth, to see everything through His filter, to know Him more.

I feel kind of weird putting this up on the internet for all to see, because I am not really sure what my point is, or what I'm trying to figure out. And I don't think I have finished sorting all of this out in my head. But this is what I'm thinking right now. It will probably be completely flipped around next time I write, but hey, that's what keeps life interesting.

I just pray that I am thinking through God's truth and not through the worlds covered up lies that are so tempting to believe in. Because His truth is what I want, and what I know He wants for me. And for you.

I just had to share this picture cause it makes me smile. I hope it does for you, too:)

Not a Chance

One day, Adilia and I were talking about cultures. Many of the things I told her about the US were new and surprising. "Why?" was a frequently asked question as I described a lifestyle different than the one she's known her whole life. We sat at the table eating our normal "I'm hungry. Me too. Let's go eat something at eleven o'clock at night" snack and chatted, going back and forth, finding the differences in our cultures and trying to explain them to each other. I took the things I had been noticing and flipped them around to tell her how they are different in my home country. The confused look on her face at some of the things I told her was priceless.

For some reason, that moment is ingrained in my mind. I can picture us sitting there, talking and laughing under the yellow light. It was a moment of harmony, of clarity, and of understanding. Of amazement.

Through all of those differences, we were together, building a friendship based on one similar thing: God.

Adilia was one of the biggest blessings throughout my whole trip. Her friendship is one of the deepest I have ever experienced. Even through my broken Spanish, she understands me better than most people I know. But to understand why, we have to start at the beginning. About two weeks before I left for Costa Rica, I realized that I was, indeed, going to Costa Rica. Alone. And I began to pray that God would provide a friend for the first few weeks of my trip, where I would be going to a town where I knew no one. I was sure that I needed a friend to talk to, to laugh with, to hike with, to have some resemblance of "normality" with. And I knew, without a doubt, that He was going to provide. Looking back, I literally don't know how I waved goodbye to my dad, got on that airplane, and started an adventure in a new country by myself. All I can say was that God carried me through. It is so obvious to me. He is the only reason I was able to do this.

I landed and was picked up and driven to the hostel, where I was planning on meeting the friend God put there at the same time as me.

Physic.

The only people staying there were a couple from Germany (I think?) who didn't speak English. And they left the next day.

I got to my dormitory room (which I didn't have to share with anyone, do to the absence of people around) and cried. Balling to God, I asked Him what I was doing there. I remember counting the days, figuring out how many weeks I would be in this country so I could begin counting down the days until I could leave and be home and comfortable.

As I began to fill my days by reading His word and a few other books I brought, walking around the town, doing my Spanish homework, and "cooking" my own meals (I made my rice like you would make pasta... oops) I became centered in Him. He was there. He was always there. I never had been alone. God Himself, the Creator of the universe, to whom I had been praying for a friend, became my friend. I talked with Him. I walked with Him. I ate with Him. I read His Word, and He spoke to me. He was literally my everything, and I realized something- He was all I'd ever need.

Jesus was my friend.

The second or third day into the trip, I realized that what my "goal" for this trip was had already been fulfilled. I wanted to go to Costa Rica to experience God in a new way. And I already had. I had never been so close to my Savior, and I had never considered Him my friend. Even if nothing else came out of me being there, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, experiencing Him, loving Him, and being loved by Him. And that isn't a physical place.

I grew to cherish my alone time with Him, the quietness of my life, the seemingly purposeless, empty days which were so much more than words can say. This doesn't mean I was never sad or scared (more like depressed and petrified). But He carried me through. He was my friend, my best friend, He was there, and He was holding me. I loved Him for the fact that He didn't answer my prayer in the way I was thinking.

Nevertheless, you can imagine how elated I was to be picked up one Saturday by a family who immediately embraced me and counted me as their own. The feeling of fullness I felt, sitting in that car on the way to Jicotea, is something I had never felt before. I felt like I was home. And I was in a LandRover.

They had introduced me to Adilia, sitting right on my left, telling me she was an indigenous woman living with them for a while. I smiled at her, and then continued talking with the family, getting to know them and relishing in the fact that there were people who could understand exactly what I was trying to say... in English! I figured I would learn more of who she was later on. I didn't even know if she spoke Spanish. We stopped at the grandparents for lunch, and we sat awkwardly next to each other, trying to ignore it (I've become a semi-master at ignoring awkwardness, as it is a normal part of my interactions with people due to my random and not always put together self). I decided to end it once and for all.
"Do you speak Spanish?" I asked her.
"Yes." she said. "Do you?"
"A tiny bit. I'm still learning," I told her.

Then I realized that the awkwardness had only begun. I had just asked a native Spanish speaker if she knew how to speak Spanish. Oops.

Thankfully, we had a ball and two kids to play with, so we were able to move past that and begin to have fun.

They asked if I minded sharing a room with her. I didn't care at all, but felt bad imposing on her. But we moved my bag in to our new room and she told me which bed was mine. It was late, and we went to bed soon after getting home. After we turned off the lights, I asked her if it would bother her if I read my Bible.
"No problem!" She said.
"Ok, thanks!" I said. Unbeknownst to her, I was planning on using the light of my iPod to read, but in the silence as I was looking for it, she asked me,
"How are you going to read the Bible with no lights?"
I don't remember exactly how I responded, but it was something to the effect of "Ahh! What am I doing? My head is crazy tonight!"which made her crack up. She couldn't get over the fact that I had been about to try and read the Bible with no lights. We still laugh about that.
I asked her if she wanted to read with me, and asked her what she liked to read. She came and sat on my bed and we shared my bilingual Bible, reading a proverb together. My head really was crazy that night... I was feeling so many things that I couldn't begin to explain them in English, let alone to a girl I just met in Spanish. But that night, sitting on my bed, reading a random proverb in two languages, trying to figure it out together, is something I will never forget.

Humanly speaking, it would have been impossible for Adilia and I to become friends. To begin with, we live in two different countries, speak different languages, and have been raised in completely different ways. Not many of the Ditsai people know how to speak Spanish. Adilia does (and is able to interpret my own version of Spanish). One percent- let me say that again- ONE PERCENT- of the Ditsai population is Christian. Adilia is. Twelve girls started in part of the program Puentas de Vida that Cynthia helps to run. Five graduated. Adilia was one of those five. She had just arrived at the house to stay for the weekend because of some problems with her job a day or two before I got there. She could have gone to either of the other two ladies who run the program. Because of those problems, she ended up not just staying the weekend, but for the next two months. With me. A random 19-year old who freaked her family out by going to a different country, a place they had never been before, alone, with plans set more in mud than in stone. A country girl that has a passion for Spanish and had only chosen to do the discipleship program she did because a trip to a Spanish speaking country was part of it. A girl who went on that trip and feel in love with the people of a town that has only two pictures linked to it if you google search it. Me, who went back to that tiny town, instead of college, to see what else God was going to do in my heart.

I'm so glad I let God plan all that.

So God did answer my prayer. Overly and abundantly, as He normally does. He answered me with Himself. He was the friend I had prayed so hard for. There is no better friend on earth. And then, to top that off, He answered my prayer with Adilia.

In my prayer, I was expecting a girl who spoke English, who would walk around, cook, and study with me for a few weeks, and then eventually fade out of my life.

God gave me Himself and another sister.

God's Way

Lately, I've been wanting to hear what David (the kid-shepherd-turned-king in the Bible) has to say about life and God. He was called a man after God's own heart by God Himself! (1 Samuel 13:14, Acts 13:22). That is my greatest desire... To be a woman after God's own heart. So I figure I can learn a few things from him. Obviously, he was still human, made mistakes, and chose to follow his selfish desires rather than always choosing the "right things" according to God's character... just like me. The one thing I love about our humanness is that it gives God so much more room to work and show His glory, power, and grace. It makes our need for Him obvious.

Anyways, I've been clinging onto this verse from Psalm 86- "Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." Another version says "Teach me Your ways and I will walk in Your truth, unite my heart that I may fear only You."

The more I talk about God's way with other people, and the more I think about it alongside of who I know God to be, the more I realize something. Every person in the world wants to know why they're alive, what their purpose is, what God's way is for them. But as Christians, we all already know what is- to love God and to share His love for everyone on earth by loving them with His love. So what we are looking for is the "mode of transportation." The way we are going to be His vessel to share His amazing love.

I think that this is the part where we get confused. This mode of transportation looks different for everyone, because of the different gifts and passions He has blessed us with. I think we can all agree with that. There are literally countless ways all of these gifts can be used to glorify Him. But what if you have more than one gift? Or what if you are passionate about more than one thing? How do I know what "the right way" God has planned for me?

This is where I think we sometimes miss the point. God's way is a lifestyle, not necessarily one specific path. His way is a way of love. It's a way of grace. It's a path of kindness, of grace, mercy, joy, and forgiveness.

What I'm thinking, is that if you are on the path of these things of Him, then you are on "the right path." If you are following the way of God, you will be walking in His truths.

So you may come to a fork in the road and have to make a choice. Sometimes it's obvious that one way is filled with darkness, and that the other is filled with His light. But sometimes, both paths are the way of God. And really, I'm not quite sure what to do when we get to that point.

Sometimes, I think we worry too much about what the will of God is for our lives. But if we are walking in His truth, we are doing the will of God! As we learn what His way is and what His truths look like, our desires change to match His. And those desires are of restoration, love, and forgiveness.

His will for us is to know Him. And not just know of Him, or about Him, but to know Him.

He has shown you, o man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

I've been thinking about that A TON recently, as I am ending my time here in Jicotea and off to start a new chapter. Ahh but which chapter to choose? Every option that I have seems to be one of God, a way filled with light and lots of opportunity to learn about and serve Him. So I'm a little stuck. But meditating on this verse has brought a lot of peace in a time of turmoil. I know that God will gently guide and direct me in the way He wants me to go- His way. And I will continue to follow and fear Him and live His way, no matter where I end up or what I end up doing.
Lord, continue to teach me Your ways, so I may walk in Your truth.

Fearing God has always confused me. He tells us to fear Him and then to not be afraid. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! But today I think I am beginning to understand what it means on a new level. Fearing God means to understand, realize, and accept that He has full authority over your life.
To want to please Him and live as He desires.
To be in awe of Him and who He is.
Basically, having Him as your one and only God.

I'm not sure how to say what I'm trying to say... it is something deep that I feel and am excited to keep exploring.

The thing in life that I dislike the most is probably to disappoint people. That and to make people angry or annoyed. But I realized that trying to always please people has become a god in my life. Something that I fear sometimes more than God. Something that I need to change.

I love how David worded this in his prayer to God. So many times my heart is divided between wanting to fear God and wanting to fear the world, or people of the world. To please Him and to please the world. But that is not possible.
God, unite my heart that I may fear only You.

It is so exciting for me to see how much I still have to learn about God's way. About what it means to fear Him. Of course, I will never know everything, but knowing that there is so much to our amazing God makes every day of following Him an adventure.




Here is a song of Psalm 86
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsBiwT4Ovs

Give Me Jesus

These are bold words. Radial words. Words that should completely change your life.
Because Jesus is bold. Jesus is radical. And Jesus completely changes your life.

I think it's safe to say that we tend to forget who Jesus really is.
I do, at least.

If we are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, doesn't that mean we need to be like Him? Jesus is not selfish... why am I? I subconsciencly put myself at the front of my mind, like a filter, seeing if doing this, or helping with that, or loving this person will give me something in return. I need to get out of myself. This is a mindset that I have adopted as my own, but we are called to have a transformed mind (Romans 12:2). And Jesus does that.

It all comes back to pride. "I deserve to be happy, or have fun, or have a break, or relax...." these lies are what feed into our selfishness. We don't deserve any of that. We are made of dirt. We are a vessel for Him. Literally the only good in me is Him (Psalm 16:2). He is the author, the Creator, the giver of life. And He is good.

How amazing, that He chooses me, you, all of us, because of our weakness, to show His incredible love, power, and grace to the world.

I pray that He will empty me of myself, so I can be continually filled with Him. Break me down, so He can build me back up. Make my weaknesses evident, so His light and strength can shine brightly through the cracks of my heart. Because that is why I am here.

Jesus is real. He is here.

So you can have all this world, just give me Jesus.

Feed on His Faithfulness

My head has been kind of spinning the past few days, trying to get a grip on life. I realized that I really have no idea what the future holds. I know I'm a little late in realizing this... none of us have ever known, and none of us ever will. It just kind of hit me. But eventually I realized it is when I "have a grip" on life that I think I don't need to depend on God. I turn to myself, or to other people, but don't go to Him for strength.

But I need Him. Even when I think I don't, I do. And that's not me saying that to sound like a "good Christian" or something... it's the truth! And honestly, instead of that bringing fear or anxiety of the unknown, a calm, refreshing peace washes over me when I realize and accept that truth. Because then I don't have to have it all under control. He already does. He did, He does, and He will. What a relief! It is things like this that I keep learning about His character where I can't stop falling in love with Him.

He can already see the big picture. He knows. Worrying about it doesn't help me in any way... it only keeps me from living fully in every moment, soaked in His presence, eyes, ears, and heart open wide to take in all He has to teach me.

A verse I've been clinging to is Psalm 37:3- Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Every section of this verse has a deep meaning for me now- I feel like it sums up what I need to do right now (and every day the rest of my life...).
Trust in the Lord- with why I am here, with the future, with my dreams
Do good- help in any way I can, even if it is small
Dwell in the land- kind of like Jeremiah 29, live intentionally right where I am, in the present
Feed on His faithfulness- let His faithfulness and who He is wash over me and be my strength

I hope I never become numb to how amazing God is or not be excited about who He is and all He's done...I want to be amazed by Him every day. He is so good. I wish I could give Him a giant bear hug! What a champ.

After the reservation trip (I'm still working on writing about that...) I came back and had a day off where I played with Joel and Ian, the 6 and 3 year old sons of the missionaries I'm living with. These two have given me so much joy! We went swimming in the creek, played with their parrot (which bit me on the toe!), made a few videos, and just had fun together. Since then, I've been homeschooling Joel  and helping out around the house.

We all went to Quepos (meaning Cynthia, Josiah, their kids, Adilia, and I), which is a touristy town along the Pacific ocean, 6 hours away from here. Cynthia and Josiah had a missionary conference, and Adilia and I went along for what we called "a beautiful adventure." It was so exciting! I got to see a whole bunch of the country, and it's always fun to spend a few days at the beach:) I had a great time with Joel, Ian, and Adilia, because when you're with kids, you can act like them, which gives the beach a whole new (and more exciting) appeal.  Those few days consisted of sand fights, wave jumping, running through the water, and smiles. It was Adelia's first time at the beach, which was exciting, too!

Basically, a few days after I arrived ready to work, I left for vacation. But I'm not complaining! :)

I also went to a... strike? I'm not sure what to call it. A bunch of people from Jicotea (meaning about 50) got together to try and get the bus to come to the station that it is supposed to go to. It hasn't been going because "the road is too bad" (although, I can see why that would cause problems...), but this creates a big problem for the people who depend on the bus to go to work every day. So I'm pretty sure I was on the national news on Friday. No big deal :)

I've been able to practice my Spanish a lot, too. That's how Adilia and I communicate, as well as all of the other people that live and work around here. Cynthia also helps me. I am learning to let go of my pride as I continue to learn... although it is a bit difficult, and I normally end up with a red face after trying to speak. :) So far, while trying to talk and have a conversation, I've said a few interesting things...

"My men are red."
"I took tourists in the trash."
"The 40th of October."
"That hotel is delicious."
And many, many more...

So the past week or so has been interesting! Although I didn't have much of an idea of what I would  be doing in Jicotea, this week has been different than anything I imagined, but in a good way. I'm not exactly sure why God called me back here, or what I'm doing here. If you asked me before I left for Costa Rica why I was going or what I was doing, I probably would have said something along the lines of going to learn Spanish and serve with a ministry that works with the indigenous people of Costa Rica. But really, I'm here because this is where God led me, and I am realizing that there doesn't have to be a specific thing or reason to be here for, because following Him is all the reason I need. I am so thankful that God led me here again.

So that's why the verse in Psalm 37 is so important to me right now... Trust in the Lord, and do good: Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Let that be a verse of hope and purpose as you go about your day:)

Catching up...

Sometimes, when I walk out the door, or when I'm sitting on my bed, or when I'm walking, or when I hear the rain "tinking" on the roof, or when I feel the most beautiful breeze, I re-realize that I'M IN COSTA RICA!

GAH!

My heart kind of swells up with joy and awe, a mixture of adoration for my God and excitement for this life He's blessed me with. I've been living with my host family the past week, trying to learn more Spanish:) I feel like I've learned a lot in this short time... about Spanish, yes, but more about life. Little things, like I don't have to be "doing" something to be faithful. Like in Psalm 46:10 where it says "Be still and know that I am God." These little things remind me that God is here and has a purpose in all of this.

This past weekend, I took the bus (a bit of a scary thing to do, considering I've never even taken a bus in America, let alone Costa Rica where most of the stops aren't labeled!) to Cartago, the closest city, to visit some friends I met while here in January. I hung out with the family that I lived with for a week, and they fed me tons of food (we went to the market and I was given many many different types of fruit to try... yum!) and I was "crazy" with Raquel, my 12 year old Tica Sistah. It was so fun to be with them and loved by them. I honestly feel like a part of their family when I'm with them, which is such a blessing. I slept over at their house and felt like a pro taking the bus the next morning. :)

Later that day I went with my host family of right now to an uncle's house-- the goofy uncle's house. I did Karaoke for the first time (thankfully there were some songs in English... I'm not very well versed in the Latin music scene:). It was a great weekend!

It has been really interesting to observe the culture here. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside of a house, peeping in a window, watching to see what "normal life" looks like for a Tico. That kinda makes me sound like a creeper... but a lot of what I have been doing is observing- my host family, the people I pass on the street, the people I stand in line with in the bank, etc. I'm basically trying to be a sponge, soaking in a new way of life and a new language. It's fun!

A few things I've noticed so far:

• You acknowledge someone when you pass them on the street-including when you're driving
• You actually pass people on the street (that's a new one for me!)
• It's pretty much accepted everywhere that there is a God- Catholicism is very much a part of this culture
• Elderly people deserve and get more respect
• Men are always served their meals by the wife, who always cooks the meals 
• being on time doesn't really matter that much
• You always greet someone with an "air kiss" on their right cheek
• Honking at someone does not cause an angry reaction
• Motorcyclists can basically do whatever they want on the road 
• It is not uncomfortable or awkward to be touching someone when they're sitting or standing next to you (ex. arms, shoulders, legs... coming from America where everyone has a "don't touch me" mentality, it takes a bit to get used to:)
• Generations of family hang out together... and take care of each other 
• Futbol is incredibly important!

Well, not much is going on right now, but either tonight or tomorrow morning I'll be heading to Jicotea, a tiny town where I'll be staying for the rest of my three months. In my mind, I've been going back and forth from SUPER excited that I have to bounce up and down or squeeze something to pretty nervous... because I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing, and I'm still not that great at Spanish:). But mostly I've been looking forward to this next experience, knowing that I'll be stretched and be able to experience God in a new way. I'm excited to see the way that other people experience God and live out their faith, too.

God is such a champ... I am continuously amazed at how wonderful He is and in awe of His love for the people He made. What a great God He is! 

Anyways, have a great day! 

I Am His

This morning I woke up feeling totally overwhelmed that I couldn't help but cry. I felt so alone and was wishing I could just hug someone, but God really came through and reminded me that He is here. (I could have just hugged my host mom, but I'm thinking that having some blonde-haired gringa that she just met with tears running down her face who couldn't explain in English let alone Spanish why she was crying would have been a little strange:)
But I started to journal, and wanted to share that with you. It's pretty humbling writing all of this for the world to see... I feel so weak, and my journal is normally for my and God's eyes only. Anyways, I figured that if I was going to actually share what God is doing in my life, I have to be honest and share the hard times too! And even if no one reads this, it was an exercise that drew me closer to Him.

Surrendering myself to God is so much harder than just saying the words. And it really is a daily thing. It is surrendering what I feel, what I want, what I need- being completely open for Him to fill me. I know who I want to be in this life- A follower of God, yes, but a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a mother (not now, obviously)- I want to be needed, to be wanted. I want to be a servant to others, to give more than I take, to do more than is done for me, to help more than be helped. To love others with a deeper love than just mine- God's love.

But the only way I know how to do this is... well, I don't. I don't know how to live like that. 

I miss my life back home- I have a picture of what I want it to look like. Don't we all? We think we know what is best for us- easiest, really. We want life to be easy, we want to be happy. But that is not necessarily what God has called us to. However, when we surrender ourselves to our God and King, our ideals and what we want change to be His ideals and what He wants- and we get our joy from following and doing those things. I just don't know what that looks like right now.

One of my friends asked me if I was freaking out at all. I told them no, but really, I have lots of "freak out" moments. Without all of the things that I do and have back in my life at home, I am forced out of any normalcy or comfort that I am so use to having (especially people!). And my identity is no longer in the things which I am known for, but in being a gringa. But I know where my identity really comes from, no matter where I am. From being God's daughter- a loved and cherished daughter who is never alone.

It's only day seven of my journey, and already I am missing home. Actually, what I am missing is who I am back in Pennsylvania. I am comfortable. And I am certainly not comfortable here. Physically, yes, I have a bed, clothes, food... but emotionally and mentally- I am so out of my element.

But I think- actually I know- that is where God wants me to be. Because I can not longer depend on myself, or who I am, but only Him and who He is.

I just pray that I have an open heart for who He wants me to continue to become. Because honestly, I'm scared of who that is. What if it is someone totally different than who I want to be, or someone I don't even understand or like? I realize, though, that it is a process that goes right along with the daily surrenderance (if that's not a word, I'm making it one!). 

I don't know what the future holds- I can't! That's for God to know. So I need to follow Him, day by day, moment by moment, and I know He will lead me in the right direction. Not just physically, but to who He wants me to be. Because really, He just wants me to be His.

So that was my thought process this morning. I realized I can no longer be focused on "who I am" because that is constantly changing as life goes on. But one thing stays the same- I am His, and that is all that matters<3