I Am His

This morning I woke up feeling totally overwhelmed that I couldn't help but cry. I felt so alone and was wishing I could just hug someone, but God really came through and reminded me that He is here. (I could have just hugged my host mom, but I'm thinking that having some blonde-haired gringa that she just met with tears running down her face who couldn't explain in English let alone Spanish why she was crying would have been a little strange:)
But I started to journal, and wanted to share that with you. It's pretty humbling writing all of this for the world to see... I feel so weak, and my journal is normally for my and God's eyes only. Anyways, I figured that if I was going to actually share what God is doing in my life, I have to be honest and share the hard times too! And even if no one reads this, it was an exercise that drew me closer to Him.

Surrendering myself to God is so much harder than just saying the words. And it really is a daily thing. It is surrendering what I feel, what I want, what I need- being completely open for Him to fill me. I know who I want to be in this life- A follower of God, yes, but a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a mother (not now, obviously)- I want to be needed, to be wanted. I want to be a servant to others, to give more than I take, to do more than is done for me, to help more than be helped. To love others with a deeper love than just mine- God's love.

But the only way I know how to do this is... well, I don't. I don't know how to live like that. 

I miss my life back home- I have a picture of what I want it to look like. Don't we all? We think we know what is best for us- easiest, really. We want life to be easy, we want to be happy. But that is not necessarily what God has called us to. However, when we surrender ourselves to our God and King, our ideals and what we want change to be His ideals and what He wants- and we get our joy from following and doing those things. I just don't know what that looks like right now.

One of my friends asked me if I was freaking out at all. I told them no, but really, I have lots of "freak out" moments. Without all of the things that I do and have back in my life at home, I am forced out of any normalcy or comfort that I am so use to having (especially people!). And my identity is no longer in the things which I am known for, but in being a gringa. But I know where my identity really comes from, no matter where I am. From being God's daughter- a loved and cherished daughter who is never alone.

It's only day seven of my journey, and already I am missing home. Actually, what I am missing is who I am back in Pennsylvania. I am comfortable. And I am certainly not comfortable here. Physically, yes, I have a bed, clothes, food... but emotionally and mentally- I am so out of my element.

But I think- actually I know- that is where God wants me to be. Because I can not longer depend on myself, or who I am, but only Him and who He is.

I just pray that I have an open heart for who He wants me to continue to become. Because honestly, I'm scared of who that is. What if it is someone totally different than who I want to be, or someone I don't even understand or like? I realize, though, that it is a process that goes right along with the daily surrenderance (if that's not a word, I'm making it one!). 

I don't know what the future holds- I can't! That's for God to know. So I need to follow Him, day by day, moment by moment, and I know He will lead me in the right direction. Not just physically, but to who He wants me to be. Because really, He just wants me to be His.

So that was my thought process this morning. I realized I can no longer be focused on "who I am" because that is constantly changing as life goes on. But one thing stays the same- I am His, and that is all that matters<3